Gray
There is a scene in the film Clear and Present Danger that I appreciate, as I have come to recall it often when I have read and discussed issues in the political – or, perhaps more specifically, the religio-political – arena. Harrison Ford - in my opinion, the best of the three Jack Ryans from those films – has waded a bit too deep into a government conspiracy waging a secret war on Columbian drug cartels, and confronts one of the culprits in his office, who, like every cold-hearted, nihilistic, bureaucratic villain, laughs off his principled argument that there is black-and-white morality in the world. In that icy, hopeless tone, the villain calls out as our hero stalks away, “Gray. The world is gray, Jack!” Good scene. Gives me chills.
I write all that because I believe it applies in two ways to our position of late here in Germany. Firstly, and most obviously, the world is indeed gray. I mean this in a physical sense. It is winter here in Baden-Wurttemberg, and that means the sun rises after 8 AM and sets by 5 PM. Do the math – that is nine hours of daylight to fifteen hours of darkness, and, for those of you who do not live in locales that share a similar relationship with the earth’s axis, that means that moods tend to plummet. Its that closed-in syndrome, like the one the warehouse workers tease the office staff about on The Office. And, let me tell you, it is no fun. We wake up before it is light, I walk the dogs in the frigid, dreary, wet coldness of predawn, and we head off to school, where, before we are usually ready to head home in the afternoon, the sun has already bid adieu to the Germans. The fact that we then return to our lonely apartment on the farm away from where the majority of BFA staff members live in Kandern and the neighboring villages only adds to the depressive sense of the season. The long and short of it is that we are quite lonely these days. Weekends cannot come fast enough, but even when they do finally roll around, it is hard not to sleep in and then simply want to relax/vegetate on the couch (we’ve been watching all the previous seasons of Lost, which means we’re keeping entertained, just not active).
The second reason the quote from Harrison’s movie comes back to me today is that lately I have noticed that, along with my energy level and my general cheeriness, my outlook on existence is slipping as well. I cannot say the exact same for Leigh, but I know we are both struggling lately with purpose and satisfaction in our lives, namely in the realm of the spiritual. I’ve never been a morning person, but the prospect of cracking the guilded pages of my Bible before the rays of the dawn can spill through the kitchen window and glint against them is not something that motivates me. I realize this may come across as selfish or lazy, but that is precisely the point. It is hard not to regress inside myself, to indulge by base attitudes and not turn my heart and mind and soul and strength outward in the manner that Christ commands. It is a frightening thing to what extent a dreary mood can change your behavior, or cause you to pull back from commitments.
Growing up, my favorite time of day was sunset, and my favorite weather was cold, overcast, and rainy days. I believed I did my best writing and soul-searching in those days. I realize now that I preferred these days because I did not see a lot of them in central Texas. It was an enjoyable change of pace and view. But here in Germany, I experience them in abundance, and I never knew I could miss the sun so much.
We know God is here … with us … always. I long to cultivate the kind of intimate awareness that affected me so greatly when I studied the Desert Fathers and other Christian mystics. This road is a difficult one to traverse, but without Vitamin D, it sometimes seems impossible. Frustrations and failures seem more pronounced, weariness weighs heavier, and lifting up your eyes to look to the hills rarely affords anything but a glimpse at a darkening landscape.
If you are a praying person, you may do so for me. Pray for light of another kind.
