My last post hinted that this was coming.
Almost every year, I feel compelled to make New Year’s resolutions. These commitments are usually more whim and spur-of-the-moment than carefully calculated. Jesus encourages even those who decide to follow him to “count the cost,” but rarely do I do so even when determining what behaviors, habits or vices I am endeavoring to change, whether from a spiritual standpoint or not.
And so, this year, like all the rest, I have a list of resolutions. I do not mean to approach them with complete pessimism, here on the first day of the new year. However, thirty years has shown me that human beings struggle with the concept of commitment, one way or another. And in light of my past failures, where my resolve faded into vapor and dissipated completely before the end of March, I find it difficult to expect much more from myself. Recent studies show that while more than 50% of people who make resolutions are confident in their commitment, only around 10-12% actually achieve the results for which they are hoping.
And yet, I will once again make my resolutions, and perhaps some of you unidentified readers may even check in on me from time to time, to see if I have been able to keep them. March will be a crucial month, only because to make it through that will mean that I have broken my previous record of commitment longevity.
Resolution #1 – Losing Ten Pounds – I’m not shooting the moon with this one, as I have been known to do in the past. Nor am I keeping the resolution ambiguous by simply resolving to “lose weight.” I have come to the point in my life, however, where I have moved past mild embarrassment to outright disgust of my weight. The ironic thing is, I have the exercise tools and the understanding necessary to make this happen, but hardly any willpower. So, this resolution hinges on coldly forcing myself to stick in a P90X DVD or lace up my running shoes when I return home from a long day of teaching, rather than my usual routine of crashing onto the couch like a plane full of soccer players into the Andes mountains.
Resolution #2 – Pray the Daily Office – At this stage of my life, I know it is probably beyond my ability to take up the discipline of an oblate, which is a commitment I hope to make and keep later in life. However, if I am completely honest with myself, it has been a very long time since I have experienced any fresh commitment and devotion to the God whom I serve as a missionary here in Germany. The reason for this, I believe, stems from the struggle I have with prayer. I have never been good at it. Don’t get me wrong, I can communicate with God, but continual, ritual prayer is something that I avoid, and I’m not sure why. I suspect it has something to do with the low esteem in which I hold myself (my inability to truly rest in God’s grace), and the pointlessness I feel most of the time when I pray. Nevertheless, I have a Book of Common Prayer and a special Daily Office prayer book, and, if necessary, I will view this spiritual exercise in much the same way as Resolution #1. I will force myself to remember the hours of prayer, at least Lauds and Vespers (morning and evening), if not Sext (noon). Why? Because I need to reconnect myself to, as Eugene Peterson puts it in his translation of Scripture, “the unforced rhythms of grace.” Irony surfaces again, since it might take forcing myself to keep the Hours that I encounter the “unforced” grace of God.
Resolution #3 – Discipline My Writing – It is frustrating to know exactly what you want to do with your life, yet not have the time to do it even as a hobby. For me, if I could do one thing in this life, I would write. Unfortunately, one can choose either to write or to pay bills and provide for a family (unless you’re one of the lucky ones who is somehow able to carve out time to finish a major work, and then actually find a publisher willing to pay you for it). Right now, as an educator, free time is hard to come by, especially once I add Resolution #1. I know I will not always be teaching, but once I stop, I most likely will not be moving on to full-time writing as my vocation, because, as I have stated, I have a family to care for, and no one pays an unknown writer for writing. However, the kicker is not the lack of recognition; seriously, I can live without that. It is the lack of discipline I maintain when even attempting to write. I have maybe two hours a day – at most – to write, and that includes stealing one of my school planning periods. In this time, one question plagues me – what do I work on? I have multiple ideas, multiple projects, but no ability to choose. I’m the John Kerry of amateur writers. I flip-flop between stories every week. And, while I am overjoyed that my first child will arrive in May, I know that caring for him or her will significantly lessen my opportunity to sit down to keyboard and canvas. All in all, this is one resolution that I have no idea how to approach. All I know is that I have to figure out how to create my own committed rhythm in this realm of life as well.
Resolution #4 – Practice Spending More Time on My Family – The baby will be here in May, and with that, Leigh and I will officially begin a family that includes more members than just ourselves. However, I am terrible about spending enough time with Leigh, let alone this new child. I believe that what people tell me is true, that I will fall in love with this child and my life “will change.” However, one thing I know is that I have no idea how to be a husband and a father. I’ve had almost three years to practice the former and I’m pretty sure I’m not very good at it. And the latter is being thrust upon me, ready or not. Needless to say, I’m afraid of becoming even worse of a caregiver. Leigh needs attention, and not just because she is a woman. It is how she is wired. Unfortunately, my wiring reflects more of a loner mentality. I am perfectly fine with being alone. I do consider myself a writer, after all, and writing is a lonely craft. A writer has a creative mind, and because of this, he or she spends a lot of time rooting around in their minds, considering, pondering, musing. Most of the time, a writer is unaware that the or she has retreated into the mind. For a person who requires significant amounts of attention, being hitched to a writer is a difficult thing. I can’t imagine what it is like to be the newborn child of a writer. So, I have to figure out a system of checks so that I do not regress to alienating my wife or my child. This will directly challenge Resolution #3, which only goes to show that I do not expect to keep all of these resolutions. Let’s just hope the important ones win out.
Resolution #5 – Get Rid of the Anger – I have surprised myself over the last few years, and not in a good way. I have noticed that I react angrily and pettily to many things, even little things that do not deserve any focus whatsoever. I think Leigh and I both have a tendency to blow things (responses, questions, lazy statements) out of proportion, as do most people who forego paying attention to their integrity – that is, who they are and what they are about even when no one else is around. And yet, my anger has become something that I truly battle, even so much that I struggle with prayer because of a heavy sense of guilt at being so angry. I have to end this undertow of anger – to thinking and speaking out of bitterness and cynicism. This is perhaps the most difficult resolution of all, but perhaps the most important, even more than dropping those pounds.
So, here I go. I’ll revisit these in one year, and we shall see how successful 2010 turned out to be.
Wonderstuff 